From that moment, Valerie Lone began to be consumed by her shadow. And nothing could prevent it. Not even the wonderful, wonderful universe that had chosen to care about her.
A universe ruled by a mad God, who was himself being consumed by his shadow.
4. Learn how to move from car to car on the train.
There are two sets of doors between cars—one to get out of your car, and one to get into the next car. To open the first door, you have to pull, hard. To open the second door, you have to push, hard. If you can’t get the door open, look through the window and see if there are people sitting in the next car. If you don’t see anyone, the door’s probably locked. If you do see people, you’re physically weak and should probably rethink your approach to life.
Andrew Charniga, Jr.’s There Is No System, Part II
Today, I was using the bathroom in one of my academic buildings. I stood up and pulled up my pants, and out of my back pocket fell my keys and ID card. Hearing the splash as they hit the water, I gasped in horror and made a motion to reach in. The motion triggered the automatic flush. FML
Today, I was on the bus when I saw this really hot guy get on. He smiled at me, and I wanted to look cool, so I put in my earbuds and started humming. He laughed and got off the bus. I later realized why he was laughing. I actually had my hoodie strings in my ears. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis “Jesus”. For the last two hours he’s been continuously asking if I “want to be touched by Jesus” or will I “let Jesus in to spread his warmth.” FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting busy when all of the sudden he paused and looked me dead in the eye. He said “stop,” then farted, followed by, “hammer time.” And resumed the pounding. FML